Return of the blogging fool

You would think after a few months off I would have something more to say than just hi. I don't, BUT if anyone is still reading this leave me a comment and I will start to pick this blogging back up. I'm sure I can figure something to write about!!

Am I a cheater?

My weigh in for weight watchers is/was on Monday morning. However, Sunday is one of my worst days for just being lazy and sneaking. I was doing so good on not over eating, I really should have been at a certain weight this morning, BUT because of yesterday I missed it by about 6 lbs. So I changed my weigh in to Friday. Now my question is, is that cheating? Should I change my WI day just because sunday is my weakness? I always weigh less by Friday anyways, I bust my ass during the week with workouts and eating better. Am I just trying to get better results?

I'm going to see what happens maybe this week and next week. I will give it a test run for two weeks. If I continue to lose than I will leave it, if not, then I will move it back to Monday's and have to deal with Sunday Sneaking!!

Any thoughts -- Do I even have any readers anymore?

Taken a fool

I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything there is to know. Yeah I'm pretty smart and can figure a lot of stuff but man was I wrong lately. I was trying to do something and it was just all happening to easy. If it's to good to be true it probably is, why have I not learned that lesson yet? I'm still want to believe that there is good out there in the world, that everyone is not trying to take you for your money. That good people still exist. What happened to being honest with your business deals? What happened to just being honest. So needless to say and because I'm about out of time, if something you want is flowing to easily then something wrong. I am starting to realize that life isn't easy, going to be easy or will ever be easy when it comes to things you want. It's sad that you have to fight so hard for a dream. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. My eyes are now open!

Dickheads

We all know one or work with one, either way, God put them on this earth to piss us off. Mines is a jackoff at work. Luckly I don't have to deal with him that much but he...I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about him. Anyways, I'm working and I notice that some numbers dont match up. Ok well that simple but the paperwork needs to change, it's not that hard of a task. So I get in touch with this guy and for 20 minutes he tries to explain to me how to do my job, since I'm new and all. That they people telling me how to do my job have told me wrong because this is how it's always been done. He is spot on because he is has been doing this for much longer than I have. Keep in mind, he told me this like he was a broken record. What the sad part about the whole thing was all I needed was for him to tell me where to increase my order for 80 bucks. I knew where the money was supposed to go, but I can't change it since I entered the order. I needed him to tell me, but instead he wanted to talk down to me like I was and effin idiot. Well at the end of this, he wants to have a conference call with my boss and me so that he can point out that I still don't know how to do my job. What he doesn't know is that a buddy is going to be on the call to explain why he was wrong and I was right and then I hope I have the balls to be just as rude to that muthaf*cker as I can. I want to be so disrespectful that after the call I get writing up. If I could call that sunofabitch the n word and not lose my job it would freely fly out of my mouth. No I'm not going to take the high road on this. I hope I have the balls to be a nasty little bitch on the phone to him. I hope I get him so pissed off he threatens me...cause then it's on. I would love to tell him that I hope another hurricane comes knocking on his door because it seem Katrina didn't get all the coon ass effin stupid N's like it should have. I'm really glad this is my blog and I can say what ever I want to go things off my chest. Our conference call is at 10. I will keep you posted!

Me and my health kick

Day...oh who the hell cares. Since June first I have been doing weight watchers and so far it's not to bad off. I'm about 25 lbs down which is good, yea me right. But there are so many "diet" plans out there, which is best. Granted I'm going to say WW only because I'm on it. I really feel that it teaches you to watch your portion of food as well as what is not good for you, but c'mon 4 oz of meat is x amount of points. Who measure out their food like that, and how much is 4 oz really? Yeah I just guess, which means I'm really WRONG.

Lately though, I have been on a avocado kick. I love 'em to the point where I wonder is it unhealthy. Sure you know that they're "good fat" and they're good for the heart, but they're also fat. I like to think I'm doing my body good by eating them 3,4, or even 5 times a week. You can read the avocado fats but all the big words scare me so I have no clue what I'm reading. I do know that they help produce HCL. Of course to much of one thing is a bad thing, but does that still apply for something that is supposed to be super good for you? Can you be TO healthy?

I have also been on a tomato kick along side of my avocado kick. I'm not that big of a fan of tomatoes, but lately, and I mean over the last couple months, I can't get enough of them. I doubt my body is craving them since I eat them almost daily. So what's the deal pickle? I know tomatoes are supposed to be good for your blood, but again, can to much be a bad thing?

Has anyone else seen the email where it talks about what type of fruits and veggies are good for you and how the shape of the fruit and veggie looks like the parts of the body it helps...anyone, anyone...really? I will figure a way to get it on here next time I get it. Back on track though, has anyone really looked into that? Is there truth to that...here is an example: tomatoes, when you cut them in half what do they look like...you're blood cells...See where I'm going with this?

Well if anyone cares to weigh in on this topic, please leave a comment...

The change

I guess it's because I'm getting older or something, but I really have gotten to the point where I get up pretty early in the morning. I like the fact that before I go off to face the world, I have time to chill at the house, drink some coffee, spend a little time with Brian, play games on facebook, or whatever. I never thought I would become a morning person. It just gives me a little peace before my day starts.

Is this something we do as we become older? Do our late nights turn into early mornings? I never would have thought I would be that kind of an adult. I thought my up all nights would never change. I would still be able to party with the best of them. Don't get me wrong, I still have the power to party hard.

I guess it's just kind of funny when you look back and you can actually see point in your life where you have a "growing up moment" I guess we can't always be a toys R us kid for ever. But I will always be a toys R us kid at heart, that won't EVER change.

Growing up isn't so bad. Yes the bills and the adult decisions you have to make suck balls, but I like it most of the time. I think I can get used to this Adult life!!

Only 9 more post before my 100th post!!! I'm a blogging bitch!

Just an update on my life

The title is so serious, like there is something really big going on in my life. Yep there's not. I do like the fact that since I changed my work hours to 8-5 that I get up around six and just chill before I go to work. That's kind of fun. I have time to facebook, blog, read yahoo news. After next weekend it will be to check my fantasy football team. Yeah I decided to get into that. It sounds fun. Like I was saying, I like getting up around six. It's a good start to the day.

I have offically lost 22 pounds on weight watchers. It was down to 26 but then I spent the weekend at grannys and there is no hope in that house. It's nothing but sticks of butter, sugar, and warm yummy goodness food. You're bound to pound at granny's. but the whole WW system is getting easier. I know when to stop eating, and I feel guilty now when I over eat. I'm all about portion control now, but sometimes that doesn't always work.

On the adoption front, yeah there isn't much going on there. CPS is a crock of shit and I will tell everyone and anyone that until the day I die, and I plan on telling them. We were going to do private adoption but the one place we liked the wait time is about three years. So we have one other option and then I think we're done. Maybe kids aren't in our future. It sucks but you don't always get what you want.

The granny front. She is a tough lady. She is hanging in there, much better than we all expected. It's great that she is, we all have gotten to spend a lot of time with her. She will be missed when she goes, that's for sure.

Ok I need to get ready for work. Hopefully today will fly by.

Things that piss me off

I came to the realization that I'm going to be a mean sonabitch when I get older. I'm talking mean like, people are going to want to kick me in my balls, old mean guy. As I get older, the more ok with my future I become! So if you come over to my house and see a "Stay out of Grass" sign posted, don't try and be funny and get in my grass. I will shoot your effin foot off bitch.

Here are some other things that clued me into the fact that I'm going to be an evil old asshole.
1. traffic. If two lanes widen to 4 lanes, way the f*ck am I going 35 on I-45. Look if this confuses you and you don't know what damn lane to be in, then find the next solid wall and ram your vehicle into it. The world is better off without you!

2. If you go out and buy a (used) vehicle that is already uncool, well guess what, just because you put rims on it, maybe dropped it, changed up the glass on the signle lights, and you g-ride in it -- you're not only a douche, but you're a douche driving a jacked up, stupid looking ride that makes you loose all your street cred and you should shoot yourself before you're homies see your piece of shit car and shoot you themselves.

3. Skinny people, let's get one thing straight...ALL US FAT PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU'RE A BUCK O' FIVE AND YET YOU EAT ALL THE TIME. Stop complaining about how you need to loose the weight and you were having the hardest time fitting into your size negative 12 jeans. One day you will get your wish and be huge and all us fat asses will be skinny...and I will tease the hell out of you!

4. Guys, if you're running to exercise, DO NOT RUN IN DAISY DUKES! That type of runnign shorts make...well they make me want to hit you as I run by. It doesn't even make looking at your package fun because I think of hurting you. It doesn't make you run better or faster, well ok it might because if a mob is chasing you, you're going to haul ass!

5. People with no common sense. If you can't figure this one out, then you're probably one of them...RUN!!!

Studies NOW show...

So I'm watching the news last night and some nerdy ass researcher comes on the TV and says "studies now show that pregnant women might be the reason your baby is fat" Then he went on to say that the test show that soon to be moms who over eat might hardwire the kid's brain to be fat. Well I decided to do my own study. Yes I was about to do this study in about 5 minutes last night while smoking. Here is what my test discovered.

1. Bitch, stop wasting tax money on your stupid ass "studies" How about you study how my foot got so far up your ass!
2. If you have fast food for every meal and then let your kids stay inside all day long...you're going to have a fat ass lazy good for nothing kid.
3. It's kind of part of result number 2, if you let your kid sit in front of the tv all damn day and night...the bastard is going to be fat and it's YOUR fault.
4. Yes jack off, as the parent you allow this, so there for you're the one that is at fault here. Do not say your kid is just big boned. Or I have tried...really, that mcdonalds wrapper under is bed is not trying.
5. When you took recess away from kids in school, they all became FAT. When you took Dodge Ball out of PE, they all became FAT. **Side note, dodge ball could be used as a great tool to lose the weight if you were already fat. If you got tired of getting hit all the time, it was just motivation to lose the weight so you could move around better. I mean I'm just saying.
6. Did I tell you to stop wasting my damn tax money or I'm going to stick my foot up your ass?!? I did, well study on that bitch.

STOP BLAMING EVERYTHING ELSE ON WHY YOUR KIDS IS FAT. YOU'RE THE PARENT, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT...IT'S YOUR FAULT.

"just meeting for a beer or two"...

I'm old enough to know better than to think that I can meet up with friends, while in a good mood, when life is going great, and think I'm going to be able to go to a bar for a beer or two. Really, look who is writing this blog. Actually, let me back up to the start of the day. Me and a buddy go to an Astro's game, we start drinking at noon. 6 beers during the game, remember just getting started. Fast forward a couple of hours and BOOM at the bar. 2 in the morning rolls around, and we're 1 beer and 6.5pitchers into the night. THAT SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED NORMAL FOR ME!!!! What is my love for beer. Why do I feel like we're best friends and when we hang out I don't want to stop. Yes we have had alot of good times, and if it weren't for pictures, I would not remember half of the good memories I have made.

yeah I got nothing

I'm sad because I don't have anything to blog out. Life as been kind of boring lately. I guess I should feel blessed about that. I need one good night of, "what in the hell did we do" kind of things. I need a night where in the morning we're rescueing someone from jail or the pound. Dexter walked by, that's where the pound came from. Or one good night where you come home smelling like stripper sweat but you don't remember being at a strip joint. I know all 3 people reading this understand what I'm talking. OR a night where you end of up at Denny's but you're worn out that you face plant into your pancakes and one friend picks your head up and another friend feeds you a pancake that now looks like you.

Before the summer is out, we're having a night like that. So if you don't want to join...move to another country. I will come find you!

Dear Ghetto

Mr Ghetto,

I want to thank you for manking my drive to and from work a colorful one. I want to say how honored I am to see the commentment you have to your fans. The intavative ways tricking out a corola are breathe takening. When the rims cost more than the car, that is pure brilince. My favorite, which is got to exprience today is the snaggled tooth, gold grill teeth that cut me off several times without a blinker.

I know the honda he was driving was probably stolen and that was the need for the speed as all the young kids say now days. My only wish when he almost took off the front of my truck was that he used a blinker. I would have given him the finger, but since I figured he was still packin the heat from just jacking the car, I decided not to. Instead Mr. Ghetto, I give you the finger.

Please Mr. Ghetto, die!

Weight Watchers....FOR MEN

No really it is for Men, at least that's I was told. Actually I think they add "for men" on just so us guys will be ok doing WW. Well I started this Hell June 1 and so far so good. I have started creating games to play. Example. The vacuuming game, vacuum the same spot for 20 minutes and I get 4 activity points...oh yeah. Doing how house work for 3 hours game, that's 16 activity points. You ask what are activity points, well those are points when I want to drink a lot of beer, they let me. I have an set amount of weekly points (35) and then daily points (39). Well if I'm bad and go over my daily points, it comes out of my weekly points. Well if I want to drink beer, I gotta make sure I have about 30 points. Lite Beer (miller lite) is 2 points a beer. So like I said I need 30 plus points for a good night, less then that I just don't fell like I have put much effort into my drinking. And do you know WW does not count sex as a point available activity!!! I'm just saying, there is some work that goes into that and I think you should get points. I can say that it does work, I have been losing weight, I don't eat the same amount of food as a small football team, and I do work out more or I'm at least more active. So if you're thinking about it, do it.

Sadness

Sadness is something we as human experience all through out our lives. When we loose a loved one, or a pet, or God forbid we experience the lose of our children before it's their time. It's strange how even when we're on top of the world sadness can find us. Sadness is such a strong emotion, and something that is hard to processes. It only takes a thought for the plague of sadness to wash over you, it only takes a second when you're gaurd is down to be complete ambushed by this emotion. Ying and Yang is the give in take of the universe, just like happiness and sadness are the give and take of our hearts. If you're lucky you don't get to experience sadness much. People you love aren't taken from you before your ready for them to leave. You're heart isn't broken by the absence of the love you once had for someone. God this is what PMS feels like.

I don't like talking much about it because it hurts me more than I can handle. I always try and change the subject long before the tears fall. My grandmother isn't doing so great. The tumor/cancer she has had is slowly taking my grondmother away from me and my family. I thought I was ok but I cry a lot about when no one is around, the shower is a GREAT place. If you ever get caught crying in the shower blame it on the water running down your face. I have been very lucky to have had 31 years with someone great. It's hard for me to process the pain and sadness that comes with knowing that she isn't going to be here much longer. Just knowing that my Granny isn't going to tell me she loves me and that she is proud of me hurts so bad. It's not fair, I'm pissed off that she has to go out like this.

My grandmother has always been the strongest person I know. She built this amazing family that is close and loving and strong. The family gets together on weekends because we actually want to see each other. I can't go long without talking to either of my aunts, or drinking with my uncles. I surely can't go long without talking to my mom. But Granny is different, granny was the one that made things better. If you were sick, she knows how to fix you or at least what toy to get you so that you feel better. Granny knows just how to make my granny grilled cheeses. Granny knows how to wrap her arms around me, tell me she loves me and make the world a little better for just that moment in time. I'm not saying that my aunt Trudy or aunt Mandi, or even my mom can't do that, but granny does it better.

Growing up Granny used to scratch my back until I would fall a sleep. Granny let me sleep with her until I was like 25 and wasn't scared of the dark anymore. She still snores and farts like a mule at night and I don't want to sleep with her anymore, but I know if I had a bad dream she would let me crawl in there next her and make it better. I know at some point in time we have to say good bye or until I see you in heaven but that doesn't really give me a lot of comfort. It just reminds me that I have a long time to live without you. Yeah I could look at all the years we had and smile because I got though years, but I'm selfish, I want more of those year. I want more years of Granny cooking something special for me because I'm the first one of the kids at the table on saturday morning. I want more years of Granny telling me that she got me a gallon of milk for the weekend and then kissing my forehead. I'm not ready to say good bye or see you in heaven. I'm not ready for the end.

Sadness sucks and I'm not good at dealing with it.

It's been a while

Man I have missed blogging but I don't have a lot of free time at work now days. I know I can't surf and play all day like I used to. Now I just work an ass load of over time and stay busy from the time I clock in until the time I clock out. Stupid ok paying job. I really don't have much to talk about today. No really I don't. There have been many times that I have said "remember this so you can blog it" and then I just forget it. Maybe I will try and start blogging first thing in the morning when I get up. I still get up my normal time around 6:30 in the morning, even though I don't have to be at work until 8. I get up, play around on the computer, I actually do a light workout, I KNOW YEA ME, and I guess I could add blogging. I just hope I can remember stuff that early in the morning. Ok well it's getting close to clock in time. I'm already drinking my coffee so when I hit "punchin" I can hit the ground full speed. Well if anyone is still reading my blogs, drop me a note. I love hearing from my reads, all 4 of them.

Peace love and drugs!

My mom the Alligator hunter

This is some crazy shit here. Here is my version of the phone call yesterday with my mom.

Me: Hey mom what are you doing?
Mom:(In a hushed voice) hey son, I'm alligator hunting
Me: Seriously?
Mom: Yeah Bye.

That was the first part of that conversation. Then she calls me back...here is the rest

Me: Mom, why don't you just shoot it?
Mom: We're trying to bate it on a hook and cage it.
Me: Please tell me you're not keeping it as a pet
Mom: NO we want to cage it so we can have fried alligator tail. Doesn't that sound good? I'm just not sure how we're going to cage it once we catch it.
Me: You're going to die.

Then my mom must have lost signle and that was it. Alot of stuff I wouldn't put past my mom from doing but alligator hunting is one thing I never expect to hear from ANYONE! I'm proud of her for being so adventurous, but damn pick something safer. It doesn't matter how big or small...well unless it's a baby baby...NO there is no excuse for this. A baby alligator could take off a finger, is that what you want mom, to loose a finger?

My hat is off to my brave but not so bright mother...

80th post

I really don't have much to talk about right now, but I feel like I'm losing my readers. HA who am I kidding, I don't have that many readers. I guess I could talk about how people are being dickheads to my team and manager just because we're making mistakes. Yeah I can understand that mistakes are going to be made your first week of doing the job. I mean after all that's just natural. The second week, you should be well on your way to being an expert on the subject, minimal mistakes. The Third week, holy shit if you make a mistake. There will be meetings to set up more meetings to talk about the mistakes your team has been making. By you're third week, your team should be running like a well oiled sex machine. No really this is actually happening on my team. Yesterday I made the mistake of following the rules and it turned out that I didn't need to, but because I did it was a HUGE problem.

Here's what happened -- short version. I emailed the VP of IT services to get approval on something. The information I was looking at was flagged for his approval. Only to find out later in the day that I didn't need his approval. So because of that, because I emailed him for approval I had my manager and a trainer asking me why I did that. It seems that he was pissed off that I bothered him and sent a hell storm of emails out about not following policy...when policy clearly stated I needed to go to him. Either way I was screwed, if I didn't do it and needed the approval I would have gotten my ass jumped...

Yesterday was my mistake, but it seems like my team has been emailing the wrong people for approvals. We have only been doing this for about 4 weeks now, so we're still trying to figure things out. I don't know about any of you, but when I get emails that are meant for someone, it pisses me off. I can't stand it. It's so hard, I mean, damn near impossible to either delete the email or respond back with...sorry wrong person, you need so and so. That causes me to loose about 2 minutes of my effing work day that I will NEVER GET BACK! So because of that, I'm going to rip you a new asshole so you learn from your mistake.

Wow I guess I did have more to say. Ok I promise my next post will be full of jokes and I will return to my witty remarks. Hey it's Friday...

Not paying to fix your fence

I'm cool with dumbasses being apart of this world. I come to realize that there is nothing I can do about that. I can, however, do something when they come and knock on my door...yes I had the song to 'Three's company' in my head. Anyways, back to the story. Our property line is split between two people and there is a fence that divides that. Well two years ago hurricane Ike decided he didn't like the fence and trashed sections of the fence, not the whole fence. The fence wasn't our responsibility to fix to start with, it was both our neighbor's fence. So last night, and this is the second time he has come to the door, one of the neighbors came over to talk about fixing the fence. He has an estimate and it's 1900 bucks to fix most of his backyard fence with cider planks. So he has the balls to say that me, him, and his neighbor should split 1900 bucks in three ways to get our fences fix. I hope he understand the "you have got to be effing stupid" look I gave him. I told that I wasn't paying for him to get his backyard re-fenced and that I would split the close for the section that me and him share and then I will split the cost of the section me and the lady share, but there is no way in hell I'm going to donate money to get part of the fence fixed that you and your neighbor share. Boy you better be glad I didn't warm the back of my hand up and slap you like a pimp does a dirty whore. But let me tell you, as soon as I did say that he was like 'well I probably should talk to Brian'. Now that really bothers me, and was I told him cool but you're still going to have to deal with me on it and this is how it's going to work. So I sent him on his marry little way with something to think about!

I really hope that he understands that I'm not going to pay to have most of his fence fixed.

Special Olympics

This past weekend was the Special Olympics. This was the first year that I was the coordinator for the track events. It was a lot of fun even though there were a few hang ups. The Mile relay was a time bomb waiting to happen. Yes it did explode and if B'ann wasn't there to fix it, it would have been a disaster. We had a good team this year, we're known as Team Beann at the Special O's. Of course I cried when the athletes were singing the National Anthem and then I teared up again during the prayer. We were supposed to have really bad storms Friday and Saturday, but thank God for the clear blue skys we had all day Saturday.

Just to give you an idea of how well I think we ran these events, we didn't start running the races until after 9:30 in the morning...that's almost two hours behind schedule, we finished at 3 in the afternoon. In the past it would have taken them till 5 or 6 in the afternoon to finish the track events. We were going so fast there was a line of about 50 athletes lined up to get their medals. I'm happy with that. So Brian, Sam, Jayme, Emily, and Jennifer, thank you for making this past weekend a success. I think next year with the six of us and our other two Team Beann missing members, we will be set for an answer return to the special o in 2011.

I can't wait.

home sweet home

I have been away from home way to long...oh by the way I'm back online. I got a company laptop yesterday so I'm returning to the world of the living. I have pretty much been gone for...well it will be three weeks once I get back home. Except for college and first leaving home, I don't think I have been gone this long. I'm diff missing my home. More so my bed!! And my pillows. Oh and my shower. Lets save some time...oh and my dogs. Ok enough, I just miss home. Brian will send me text messages of the dogs and that doesn't help with home sickness. You can imagine me getting cabin fever after a good week of just saying indoors at home, I get cabin fever every night in the hotel room.

The new job is going to be kind of easy, there is just a lot of stuff that I will need to know. It should be fun and I hear my team is really cool to work with. Training hasn't been that bad. The only thing is the fact that I'm in dallas but so far away from all my friends that I can't drive and see them.

Ok I need to get off here and get started on some files that I need to go through. So I will try to pick up the blogging, I know everyone is dying to read what I write next.

Later

A good Friday laugh

I am Dallas bound for two weeks. My company is sending me to train with someone because we're closing the dallas office down and I need to learn this dude's job. Sure not a problem. Yeah I don't mind driving my own truck, you're paying for my gas and mileage. Plus I will need to be in Lufkin Friday afternoon for the Special Olympics anyways so no biggie. 15 dollars for breakfast, where the hell do you go that's 15 bucks for breakfast...seriously. Ok I guess I can do five bucks if I don't just get free coffee at the office. 10 dollars you say for lunch, well I guess that's fair, besides I shouldn't be hungry because I had a 15 dollar breakfast. Yeah 10 should be good. WTF!!! Ok I can do 35 dollars for dinner, after off that 15 dollar breakfast I had is no longer in my belly and I was only able to get crackers with my 10 dollar lunch. So yeah I'm pretty damn hungry right now. Oh yeah I got this and then I get to expense this all out...hell yeah. Wait hold up what did you just say? What about my hotel room? Oh I need to put the hotel on my credit card and expense that as well. Wait wait wait, you think you're going to tell me I have to go to dallas and train for two week and now you're telling me I need to pay up front for all my stuff. You have got to be out of your damn mind. If I knew that I was going to be paying for all this up front, my ass wouldn't be staying at the Marriott for 119 dollars a day. Are you effing kidding me? I would have taken my ass to budget motel for 29.99 a day. Yeah I get the fact that I'm getting that money back, but here is how this is going to work. You mister company is going to take your company credit it card...the one that the company pays for, and you're going to pay for all two weeks of my room and then you can expense that.

Yes that was the type of conversation I was having with my Sr Manager yesterday. I about fell the hell out when he thought I was going to pay for my 2 weeks our of my own personal money. I don't have it would have cost me over 1200 bucks for two weeks at the Marriott. I'm going to need a raise if you think I can afford that.

So even though my company is crazy in the head, I will be in dallas and I will get to see a lot of friends and some new babies. So all in all it should be a good trip. Plus I get to learn a new skill and since the dude that does it now is leaving, I will be the only one in the Mid-South region doing this job -- respect me bitches!

Happy Friday

Country boy in First class

I have been thinking about this blog for a while. First class is unlike anything I have ever seen. I felt completely out of my element and had no clue how to act. I know people were talking about me. First off the flight attendants handed me a menu...I was like what am I supposed to do with this, Fan myself? It was kind of hot up there. Yeah no it wasn't a fan it was the menu to order from. Then I was handed a hot towel. The FA was handling it with tongs so I first thought, how am I supposed to get this hot towel on my ass without anyone else noticing. Yeah it wasn't for my ass, it was a hot towel for my hands. Well I pondered so long on what to do with said towel that I just cleaned my hands with a cold towel. I had to wait and watch someone else use the towel before I did. Then it came time for the appetizer, which was chilled lobster tail...on a plane, really? It had some kind of dip that was wonderful, except I don't think I was supposed to use my tongue and finger (clean thoughts) to scoop up the rest of the dipping sauce. What I do it at home, that's what I'm used to. Then after all the meals where over and done with, we had a fully stocked ice cream Sunday bar...I was in heaven. However the movies sucked! I had to watch Hannah Montana because that was the only other movie that looked half way good...it was.

So to my readers, First Class it the only way to go. But should we ever fly some where together and I get the option to upgrade and you don't...I will take plenty of pictures while in First class to show you when we get off the plane...loser!

Might want to make Peace with your maker

ANOTHER earthquake has struck. This time in China. Ok seriously we're having WAY to many of these things and they're pretty strong. I have come up with two conclusions.

1 God is pissed and he is letting us know by literally shaking things up. It was a short conclusion.

2 Mother earth is pissed and she is letting us know. She is tired of having to support the billions on this planet and she is doing some damage control. A lot of people call this population control. And if you think about it, our natural disasters are getting worse and a lot more people are losing their lives to these disaster.

3 (I just thought of this one) maybe 2012 is for real and this is just the beginning...I mean I'm just saying!!

So make peace with your maker because if not, you might want to pack some sunscreen or something cause it's hot!

Vacation grade - Hawaii

I haven't made it a secret as to where I was going. So I figured I would at least do everyone a favor and grade my trip, that way if you are thinking about going you can use this to make up your mind. You know because all of you give to rat's asses as to what I really think.

So my Grade will be based on a few things.

Quality of travel - B (See reasoning below)
Landscape - A
Activities available and taken - A
Price - F
Total Grade - C+

I think those four things will be a good launching point for this

QoT - We went to the big Island in Hawaii. We had a straight fly from Houston to Honolulu. It's 8.5 hour fly. We flew first class, and seriously that's the only way to go. Seriously if you can upgrade it's well worth the money. Just the Appitizer was lobster tails and a salad...SERIOUSLY. I had lobster tail and white wine! Then I had a beef dinner and a hot fudge sunday. Then in Honolulu we jumped on a puddle jumper to the big island, it's a 30-40 minute flight. The juice was ok but not cold, it was a let down because I was actually thristy. Now we're on the big Island and the local cabs will rip you off. It's cheaper to rent a car for 4 days than it is for two taxi rides...LET THIS BE A WARNING!!! Get a car. Just know that if you get a convertable and go to the Hilo side of the mountain, chances are it's going to rain on you...another warning. Going home was in coach and it was a bitch.

Landscape - well look it's Hawaii, it's a given it's going to be beautiful. There were places that looked straight out of the movie Avatar...NO LIE. The weather were we stayed was perfect just about everyday.

Activities - There is one huge downfall to the activities on in Hawaii. Unless you're going to puddle jump to other islands you're kind of limited to what you can do on the island. We went to the volcano and akaka falls. Two of the major attractions on the big island. I will blog more about that in a different blog.

Price - Ok the price of stuff really sucks. Hawaii isn't a cheap place. If you see Roy's bar and grill, be prepared to spend about 100-150+ if you have a four top (that's four people sitting at a table). We about fell out. Everything else is very very pricy there so you can only imagen what my grade is on this. I found the freshest diet Dr. Pepper there for 2.18...that was an expense I was proud to make.

So there you have folks. My total Grade was a C+. For the amount of money you have to spend on travel and hotel just isn't really worth it. We even had someone with us that had Mairriot points so we didn't have to pay for our hotel and I think the place was way to pricy. So save that money and go to the Carribean to an all inclusive hotel. Cheaper and you get the same palm trees, crystal clear waters, and pretty beaches. So you might not get to see a volcano, build your own and pretend.

Logging from the beach

Ok this is from my iPhone so it won't be that long of a post. This place is amazing. Lava rocks and dried lava flow. I was able to get up very early and go workout while I watch the sun rise over the ocean. Now I'm sitting on the beach. Pictures to come. Oh I saw a turtle yesterday in the water and it was huge. Bye for now.

i'm leaving on a jet plane

Ok bloggers, it might be a while before I blog so I wanted to leave you a little somthing to get you through my vacation. My Hawaiian vacation, ok let me stop there. I'm going to be in the air for 8 or more hours and I need to make sure I'm packing all my good karma, lord knows brian has enough BAD karma. I will try my best to get on and blog about all the happenings we get into on the island. Ok I think we're about to walk out the door. Until next time Aloha!

Nothing special

I don't really have anything special to say today, oh wait...Hawaii here I come! Ok yeah that's about it. I just didn't want my readers to get bored with me being gone. I will try write while on the road...Maybe throw in a picture or two. It's been a dry couple of days. One of the Ghetto gurls have been out, so there hasn't really been much to say. Oh shit the crazy lady stopped to talk to me...brb. I know my desk is right next to the walkway, but that doesn't mean I want you to stop and tell me some crack pop story about someone I have no clue who you're talking about. half the time I just look at you, smile and nod and have NO clue what you're saying.

Oh I do have a story to tell. Sunday went to the movies and say Clash of the Titans. Eh it was good, Chris was the ONLY one that got some owl joke that was in the movie. It's a throw back to all nerds in the world. Seriously, he was the ONLY one that laughed out loud. Then was like YOU have never seen this movie or that movie, my answer was NO, I had shit to do on Friday night! Oh so anyways back to...WTF some lady just walked through with a jacket on -- not just any kind of jacket -- a jacket that you would wear when it was 20 degrees outside, and she had the hoodie pulled over her head. Dude it's 70 degrees outside. Then she staired at me like I was effin nuts for wearing a short sleeve shirt. Seriously two crazy chick in a short time.

Ok back to the movie. Anyways, I'm sitting there getting ready to watch the 3d movie in action seats (seats that move to the movie) and this guy sits down next to me. Then his smell sat down next to me. It smelled like a rancid fart, and it would attack my sense of smell every few seconds. I was in fart hell people. So to all those that have had to smell my gas bombs, I am truly sorry!!

Gay/Straight bible fights

You don't know how funny I think this is. It's amazing how both sides are so well armed with scripture that they miss a HUGE factor. Does no one else see that using the bible to judge is COMPLETELY the wrong way to use the bible? I'm just saying. I have blogged about this before. Why does it matter any more? What is the big difference? If you really stop and look at the people that really worry about gay people and and the people that DON'T really care, there is a HUGE difference. For the most part, it's all old people. Oh wait I just judged all old people. Plus I get tired of listening to both side try and push their agenda on each other. live and let live. Give everyone equal rights and everyone can start minding their own damn business. I don't care what happens in my neighbor's house, as long as you don't drive your car through my house, we're cool.

It's pretty clear that the picketing, yelling, fighting, and all the other crap both sides are doing isn't working. I love how everyone is trying to hard to get their point across that no one sees, it's not working. Stop yelling and trying to force the issue. Be civil and respectful towards one another and see where that guys you. You will catch more flies with honey then vinegar!

Oh and the "if we let gays marry, then we have to let people marry their pet" -- dude really. Did you just fall out of your single wide trailer door and think that one up? If you can't can't come up with a better argument, shut the hell up. That has to be one of the worst arguments to lead with. I mean there is only so much stupid an argument can handle and that statement alone pretty much does it.

So people stop worrying about what others are doing and get on with your life.

To all my followers

I have created a second blog, called my book blog. The actual address is http://matthew-mybookblog.blogspot.com It's mostly just a place for me to write stories. You should check it out, I have the first story already on there. Some post will be a progressive story line where others might be something short and sweet. So add it to your list to follow, tell your friends to follow and all that good stuff. Hope you like it.

Death of the shower babies

WHAT?!?! someone is killing shower babies! Oh no something has to be done. We need to start a relief fund or something...surely someone has/is bringing attention to this haynes crime. But sadly, millions of shower babies die with each shower. This isn't something that just start happening, it's been an epidemic that has been happening since showers were invited. Most shower baby murders say it's just less clean up, or it keeps you from getting messy. Either way, those babies desire a chance at a real life. I must confess, I too have taken part of the death of shower babies. I'm not proud, I will probably kill again even, it's the nature of the beast. I'm here today though to bring attention to the untimely demise of shower babies. We must be upright in cause to stop these deaths, or slightly crooked, there is no right or wrong way to murder shower babies. We must take up arms and vow to BEAT this crime. So to my brothers...look lets face it, you're all mostly at fault for killing shower babies, so only you can prevent this crime!

Hello Stranger

Man it's been 8 days since I have blogged. A lot has happened in those 8 days. Ok well not really but I like to think that my life is jammed packed with adventure and life. Last weekend got the change to hang with one of my bestest friends Ricky. Like old times, we went to the beer joint, got a lot of beer and then hit the pasture. What we weren't expecting was the ice cold wind that was blowing and the zombie cows that were hollering...yes I said zombie cows. While drinking me, Crystal, and Ricky had to figure out an escape route just in case the world's population turned to zombies. DON'T JUDGE ME, IT COULD HAPPEN!!! So the night went on and we were joined with another friend Dacia. We drank and froze our asses off. We pack it up and head back to the house. Ricky and Crystal leave, Crystal was sober, and back to Waco. Saturday I get up and head back to houston. At some point in the day I get a text that says Ricky is in the hospital with pneumonia and would probably be there for a couple of days. Actually I got that text sunday morning. NO updates there, he may or may not be in the hospital still. Hopefully he will be ok.

So sunday rolls around and I start feeling like ass ran over. Now if you have never felt like ass ran over than I would do my best to NEVER feel that way. So needless to say, it's now wednesday and I'm just now getting over being sick. Thank God because this time next week I will getting a plane to Hawaii. Here somes the fun in the sun and drinking some fruity little Hawaiian drink on the beach.

See my life is full of adventure...ok not really but in my head it is.

toilet see-saw

I wish I could write a letter to the design company that designed and built the bathrooms in this building. The current design, I'm assuming it's set up like this but my xray vision isn't working at the moment. So I can't really see through the wall. So the current design, again I assume, is there is one long pipe running the length of the wall that separates the wall between the guys and girl's bathrooms. Then attached to that one long pipe would be each toilet. The reason I'm saying this is because we all know coffee will "inspire" you. I was inspired and went to do some of my greatest thinking. As I'm sitting there, I am damn near catapulted through you the ceiling. I can picture it now, there hanging from the ceiling weights down are more than just my legs dangling in the air. I swear, it's like those see-saws on the playground when we were 5. You NEVER want the fat kid at the other end, cause then you're just stuck up in the air. Look people if I'm sitting down and my feet can't touch the ground...we have a huge problem. Now just think about when you go in to do your business or go in to do some thinking and that is interrupted because you're being fired off the toilet like it was a cannon, that could get kind of messy!! Then as if this was like the superman ride at Six Flags, you know the one that rockets you to the top then drops your ass like a lead brick...yeah that's what it feels like when whoever on the other side gets up. People this is a serious issue, and should not be taken lightly. There could be injuries or at the very least I could need a shower.

On a scarier note, what if the pressure is just to much for whatever is connection the toilets? Disastrous...it would bring down the entire building or the very wall that separates us. I just want you to know that if I lose my life while being "inspired", I love you all. Please clean me off before you bury me!

To a great family weekend

This past weekend rocked...well except for the 11 dogs that were all over the house. This past weekend was a family get together, that I think doubled as Easter weekend. I'm not 100% sure, might need to check on that when I can. The entire family, all made the familiar trek to Teague. As I walked in the back door, the smell of gumbo slammed into my face. I knew the night/weekend was going to be awesome. The only downer was that it rained Saturday and turned nut clinching cold. Did we let that stop us...NOOOOOO. Saturday I rolled out of bed, after staying up til 4 in the morning hanging with my family, to the smell of a HUGE breakfast. We had sausage balls, bacon, two breakfast casseroles, and scrabbled eggs if you wanted them. I like getting up early when I'm in Teague, the breakfast is always hot and I get as much of it as I want without sharing. We waited and watched the rain and the temp. drop. Finally around 37 degrees and no more rain, we were able to venture out to the pasture for some muddin' and gun shooting. It wouldn't have been that bad, but the 15-25 mile per hour wind was killer. It was seriously colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra. We ended up staying out there for a few hours before the elements won and we just had to go inside. Once cleaned up and warm can the crawfish/shimp boil. We ate until we couldn't move, then managed to eat some more. However the food babies we were caring around wouldn't allow another late night. EVERYONE passed out early Saturday night. Sunday yielded the usual light breakfast of pancakes and bacon. Everyone laid around enjoying the company for a few more minutes. Then it was back home to Houston and now it's M0nday morning. Another good family weekend. They seem to be getting better and better.

Green beer, green beer.

One of my favorite time of the year rolled around this past wednesday, that would be St. Patty's day. It's that one time of year that it's ok to be publicly drunk by noon. It's that time of year that the beer has a slight after taste from the green dye. Well this year I was challenged for drinking for three pregnant girls and myself. I KNOW!!!! Now let me tell you about these three girls, they can drink like a fish so this is a HUGE undertaking that I have before me. So we get to the bar and I have to start hitting it hard. I'm double fisting, not really but kind of feel like it. The first one goes down smooth, the second through the fifth does the same. Then I realize that it's only been like an hour and realize that if I'm going to make it to the night time, I need to start pacing myself. So how do I do that, yeah by getting another beer. Mind you all, we're standing this whole time because there wasn't a sit down table open. Normally, I'm good with standing and can handle it, but standing still is a different thing. So the day continues and so does my consumption of beer. I lost count after 8. Then are friends started showing up and then party kind of picked up. Not as much fun as Dallas, but I think that's because there is a parade involved. That and my Dallas gang can really drink. I'm not sure what the beer count is now, but I know we're talking about going to get something to eat. Freebirds...oh hell yeah, I'm up for the bird. Now I have a challenge for all of you, get drunk, get the hick ups, and try walking down the street...it was fun and painful!!!

So all in all I would give this St. Patty's day a 7. Solid, good friends, and a fun time. Plus no hangover the next day...OOOHHHH YEEEEAAAH!

AC lady struck again

Yesterday I decided to go run in the gym at lunch. As soon as I walked into the gym I realized I needed a parka. It was freezing in there. I instantly knew who had jacked the AC down that low, and sure as shit, there she was....AC LADY. She is quickly becoming my gym arch nemesis! It was becoming increasingly hard to make my way to the locker through the snow, where I hoped it would be much warmer. The near blizzard conditions were deadly. It would only take for shoe to become untied or my bag to fall off my shoulder and I would lost forever. With a frozen face I gazed at the thermostat...41 degrees. WHO IN THE HELL CRANKS THE AC THAT LOW? She must be going through the change, and I'm not talking about her losing weight...WHICH SHE HASN'T DONE!!!! IN TWO YEARS. Seriously people, she does not look like she has lost anything. A friend of mine even agreed with me. While I'm getting ready to run on the treadmill a friend walks up and I show her the temp. She says it's to cold in here, I tell her to turn it up. As if we were beating one of her kids, AC lady glared at us with such hate that I felt like I needed to go to church. She eagle eyed us looking at the thermostat.

'So AC lady, the battleground as been set'

'Yes Joggerman, You want to experience blue balls for real'

'You truely are evil. Why must you go after the family jewels?'

'bwhahahaha'

That was kind of like the conversation that went on in my head while she was mean muggin us for thinking about changing the temp. Also (almost forgot about this) it was either the rain or the AC had frozen from working real hard, but there was a pretty big leak above the thermostat. I blame AC lady. I was able to get a picture of what it was like on the frozen battlefield.

a picture of us doing P90X

I have been talking alot about P90X over the past couple of days. So I thought I would show everyone a picture of what we're doing. Please enjoy.


Hopefully you can see the image and all that I have written down. Yes that is a maisen original...all copy right laws are in effect here people.


The other night we were doing leg and back. As we all know, I can't do much of the leg workouts. Well the other night we had to do wall squats, so I'm like I can do this. Now in my mind I'm going back to the good ol' days of doing this in athletics. So I press up against the door frame (extra support) and I squat. The trick in HS is to pull your shorts down just enough so that your ass crack sticks to the mat, and your legs don't have to do all the work. So, again, I'm in that frame of mind and down go the shorts. Well I quickly learned that wood and a mat are two completely different things. Once I got all the splinters out of my ass crack I decided that it was time to just go cook dinner. To reward myself I ate a shit pot of cookies.



Oh happy day it's Friday!

Yoga X

So I had come in today and had this great blog planned out. It was all about yoga from the P90X. I don't really care for yoga and brian doesn't like me doing yoga either. Then I was reading a friend's blog, and I was talking about something and then realized...I'm 31. That has to be the most evil number of my life so far. I think all the ...1 years are bad (41,51,61). I'm 31...ugh my day is shot now!

Ok so on to my daily blog of the P90X or PX90 as I like to call it sometimes. We haven't done it in a couple of days because we have been gone and had something to do Monday night. So we jump back on board and we're going to stick with it much better now. Last night was Yoga. I don't like Yoga. It was hurting more than helping and the moves were awkward. But what I found out is that Yoga made me fart like a mule. Yes I fart alot as is, but seriously, I think all the weird stretches and warrior stances must have unearthed a large gas pocket. I was doing downward dogs with a fart. Well this became an issue, as I would rip it out of my ass...not a dainty little poof, not it was a heart ripping, you feel this from the tips of your toes to the stench in your nose fart. of course, when you, well me, blow it out your ass with that much force you have to laugh about it. So my downward dog with fart would quickly turn into laughing ten year old ball pose. I mean this happened every time we got into the downward dog pose, which was after EVER yoga pose. Then one pose was this half warrior stance, where you reach one arm behind your back and one arm goes through your legs and you connect your hands at your butt. There was no way I was going to stick my hands in the hot zone. So I'm pretty sure I can't take a Yoga class, for fear that I would trust one of those mammoth farts a little to much and end up pepper spraying the person behind. I don't think Yoga has a pose for just got shit on.

I'm not sure what tonight is, but last night we ended up only doing about 30 minutes of yoga and then did the ab ripper x. The ab ripper didn't find any gas pockets thank god, because if it had, I would have been eating my own farts...not a pretty sight.

Oh Monday Monday

Oh Monday Monday, how I hate thee. You always come around when no wants you. The only good thing is once we get past you, we're one more day closer to Saturday. Saturdays are our BFF of weekdays. We're all cool with Friday, but sometimes Friday can be shady a little. You know those Friday's you're busy as hell at work...yeah Saturdays don't do that to ya.

This weekend rocked, got to see a lot of friends I haven't seen in a while. Attended my first baby shower. WAY TO MUCH ESTROGEN! I spent the rest of the weekend burping and farting, trying to get my man card back. All in all, it wasn't bad. Then the rest of the time hung out with Be. Always a good time.

I'm kind of sad that we haven't done the P90X in three days. Also, I'm really sad that tonight is push up and pull up night. Girl push ups, here I come!! Oh and it's Ab Ripper...I am kind of excited about this. I did much better the last time on my sit ups. So I am looking forward to this.

Ok I'm about to go spend 2 weeks in training hell. I'm so so not excited about any of this!

The pain...OMG the pain

I have been sore from working out before, but this is out of control. I can't even get bend my arm enough to pick my nose. My arms hurt so bad that it makes my hands hurt. That's just my arms. My ass hurts so bad that it hurts to sit, my legs hurt so bad that it hurts to stand. I woddle around like I'm the size of a whale. My abs hurt so bad I don't want to move Last night we weren't able to really do the workout because we didn't have the equipment, so we did cardio and then the ab ripper X. I hate the ab ripper x. I hate the P90X. I need a full body rub down. I need to stop doing P90X and just love my fat ass. I would write more but all the typing is hurting my arms.

Dear God

Dear God, we need to chat. I have started this workout routine, yeah you know the one...yep the one that makes me say more cuss words in an hour than I do all day. I just have one question for you. WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU CREATE THE GUY THAT CREATED THIS WORKOUT!!! Epic Fail on your part dude...EPIC!

Today is bitter sweet, I have better movement in my left arm. That makes me happy since I'm left handed. It won't hurt to write and do my work. However, my right are now is unusable. That 45 degree angel bend I had working yesterday...ha, I can barely get to about a 35 degree bend today. Now you're probably wondering, what's the big deal. You're left handed, why do you need your right arm/hand...God thought he would be funny and make me one of those people that use both arms/hands to make it through the day. I actually do very little with my left hand, I do 90% of everything else on the right side. So now I'm SCREW ALL DAY.

Now the bitter side of the story. Tonight's workout is arms and chest...the same workout that has left me in my crippled state. I'm really scared about the pain tonight, but I'm determined to work through this. Ask me again tomorrow what I think. I have a feeling that it's not going to be pretty.

Last night was mostly legs and lower body. I did what I could and tried to hang in there but there were just some stuff that I couldn't do because of my knee. I don't care enough about getting trim to blow my knee out again! So I did what I could, and yet again I still hurt. Oh well this will pay off!

Fokes, that's it for our show day. See ya tomorrow. (ha I feel like Jerry Springer or Oprah)

PX90 SUCK IT!!!!

We have all seen the commercials, 90 days and you will look like this...blah blah blah. Brian and I started talking that we really need to do something to get our beach bodies before we hit the sandy beaches of Hawaii. So that fool orders the PX90. I start getting excited, cuz maybe my dream of being a male strip dancer, or be a part of 'Thunder from down under' will actually come true. I'm sitting here thinking, this can't be that bad. Yes, it's going to hurt and I'm going to have to push myself, but I'm used to the gym. I'm used to lifting weights and being active...kinda. WELL.... I was so wrong it wasn't even funny. First problem of the evening were our girl scoot cookies came in the same day as PX90. So while I'm reading what I'm about to put my body through, I decide I need to eat a whole tray of cookies. Way to start it off Matt! Just as sound nom nom nom fills the living room, I read, 'GET RID OF THE JUNK' For a minute I thought the book had been watching what I was going and waited for just the right time to spring that on me. Brian gets home and we put in disc 1. I about fell the hell out. Push ups and pull ups! WTF...that's what you're going to start us off at. I'm screwed. I have never had that much upper body strength. Push ups are always been my arch nemesis. Well dammit, I'm doing it tonight or so I thought.

Now for a second, lets compare brian and I. I have some big ass arms, I'm a big guy. Brian...well...yeah...so I start thinking that he is going to struggle with this. I don't think I have EVER been more wrong in my life. That boy is doing push ups like it's a normal thing, while I'm struggling doing girl push ups! Then I guess to make me feel less of a man, he starts doing girl push ups as well, just to give himself a break! I was very impressed with him, until he said "see told you I was crappy."

So first night was an hour of push ups, all different ways. mine all girl push ups...don't laugh, it's still hard to do. We did about 100 push ups, didn't do the pull ups because we don't have the equipment for that. Then to top it off, there is a 16 minute 'Ab Ripper X' REALLY...DO YOU SEE HOW FAT I AM!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't able to really do many of the ripper stuff because of my muffin top kept getting in they. Last night I got about 4 hours of sleep because my arms hurt so bad. Today when I had to take my blood pressure meds, I just laid them on the counter and face planted on to the counter to take them. There's no using my arms today.

Tonight is an hour long lower body work out...not sure how many of them I will be able to do because of the knee. And yes if you have bad knees, PX90 is not for you. It clearly states that in the beginning. Pray for me please!!

A street car name Ghetto

I had to blog about this...it was the most awesome, creepy, WTF is that boy on moment. So I'm leaving subway headed back to work. I had planned on walking but it was to damn cold. So I'm pulling out into the main lane of the parking lot. You know the lane that runs between the shops and the parking lot..yeah that one. I have to come to a complete stop while this ghetto ass black boy, pants on the ground, NO EAR PHONES IN (that is key to this story), trying to bust a move in the middle of the damn road. I thought of honking, but that was soon followed up with the thought 'we don't want to honk because the kid might have just traded his Ipod in for a gun and will probably shoot us, while trying to finish his routine' Then I wondered why my thoughts were all in the plural tense, but that is for another blog. Then I got to watching the kids feet and he couldn't even bust a move right. I would have thought being that ghetto, you would be able to dance...yes I know that's stereotyping but c'mon on. If you're going to hold up traffic, don't dance like a seizing barney on crack you dip shit. Then the fool looks at me, smiles like I give a shit about his seizering ass dance steps, take one more step and I guess finishes he routine. He continues to bust a damn move. we wondered (again that voice should have been I) if that was part of his routine. dance 2,3,4, now take a step, and stop...ok doing it again and dance,2,3,4. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE ROAD! I know I will see the boy on so you think you can dance! I just hope he gets is Ipod back, after he robbed the general dollar store and works on those dance steps. A seizering barney on crack dance routine is not good enough to make it on that show. Those people have professional training. Just because you had some country bubba in a big ol truck watching does not count as training.

Ghetto gurl episode 4

I'm not sure what got her going this morning but Bgg has not shut the hell up. Her voice sounds like a retard whale trying to talk. I guess if you have a ball gag in your mouth most of the weekend you're going to be talking a lot when you get to work. However it's been an hour long retarded whale talk about what she learned in class. I think they thought her fat ass to jump through the flaming hoop of death! That or you whip front to back, not back to front. Simple task are always hardest for retard whales. Then you throw in lgg, and gurl I hears datr...I can't finish this story, have been distracted.

My Team lead just came over to talk to me about things and then right as he was handing me some work to do, he blew it out of his ass. It stunk so damn bad that I had to open a candle and turn my fan on. How are you going to come defile my working area with that smell and then hand me more work to do...FML!!!!

I just warned him that paybacks are hell...and trust me I have plenty of ammo in my ammo locker!!!!

Day...I don't even care anymore

I think Ash Wednesday was a week ago or something, it feels like it was like two Tuesdays ago. The soda thing was hard over the weekend. My vision started to blur, but I think that was just an old wise tail trying to come true. Ah I'm proof that you don't go blind...way off subject there. I fought back the primal urge to drink the sweet nectar of Dr. Pepper bottling company. Damn you Dr. Pepper, damn you. I got a monster yesterday to have with breakfast and I think it about caused me to have a heartache. I don't advise drinking those when you have given up on sodas.

Now I have a work complaint (surprised, I know). I have been working with this lady, who I will refer to as stupid bitch, for 2 months on an issue. I THOUGHT I had everything I needed, we all were understanding where the other one was coming from, until I get the fucking email...(sorry for dropping the f-bomb, it was needed). After 2 damn months of working on this, she emails me Friday after I leave to tell me she need more information...mind you, I have sent all the information I have, you have reviewed over the issue so many times, and now you're telling me you need more information. I have an idea, how about you shove all the info that I have sent you, up your ass and sit on it for a few days. Then when it's time to shit it out, see if something new comes out. SB...grrrrrrrr See you needed to tell me you needed more information about 2 damn months ago. However, when we're talking about getting approvals, which are the last fucking (again sorry for the f-bomb) step of the process, YOU DON'T NEED MORE INFORMATION!!!!!! I wish AT&T was still around, I would reach out and touch a bitch...grrrrrrrr

***disclaimer*** I would not actually reach out and touch stupid bitch. I'm sure in person she is a lovely human being. She probably contributes a lot to her family and community...nah I'm kidding, she's still a stupid bitch. Yes I cuss like a sailor but try to leave it out of my classy blogs, except where I feel that it's necessary to drop the big cuss words, as you have seen in this blog. If it offends you, get over it or I will blog about your ass!

Day 3

oh happy day to me. I was informed that monsters weren't soda...So I'm able to drink one a week...So my day is about to get very energized...that is all.

Day 2 of no soda

I'm feeling fine. The effects of my poor choices haven't kicked in. So far I have managed to escape the headaches and lack of energy. I fear that life is about to get rough once my body realizes that it's not getting caffeine...well it's not getting a lot of caffeine. It's de-cafe tea, water, or milk. I learned yesterday that Lent kind of screws with you. It's really 46 days, instead of 40. I wouldn't have signed on to do this if I had known that it was going to be an extra 6 days. Crazy ass Catholics! I have read/heard stories of people getting the shakes, sweating like crazy, and their head exploding. Please pray for me, for I have taken a dangerous challenge that I might not make it back from.


On a lighter note, I'M GOING TO HAWAII!!! I'm getting more excited about it. At first I wasn't excited at all. I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but it's just not that high on my list of places to go. So me, Brian, and a friend of ours, Amanda are going. Amanda is BBrian's bff. I just want to go see a volcano. That way I can mark that off my 'Natural disasters I have seen' list. I have tornado and hurricane. But a volcano...sweet. Next I need to live through an earth quake and a blizzard. I wonder if those two things will ever happen in Texas. No Dallas people, I'm not talking about a Texas Blizzard, I'm talking about a true blue blizzard. Where the snow drifts cover your door blizzard!

Peace out to my growing followers. Once I get 50 followers, I'm going to start collecting money from everyone to purchase a compound out in the country. More details to follow...

Ash Wednesday

For lent, even though I'm not Catholic, I have decided to give up Sodas. Not Caffeine, just soda. It doesn't help that I always drink a dr. pepper or monster when I get breakfast tacos, and that's what I got for breakfast today. So for the next 40 days I'm going to give up sodas. I would have gone for no watching porn or other naughty things, but lets face it I'm a guy and enjoy that way to much. Damn it, I forgot my mom and aunt read this...oh well to far into this blog to start hitting the delete key. I would like to say that I'm going to be able to blog about this amazing journey that I'm embarking on. It's really not that amazing, really there probably isn't going to be much to blog about but I will make something up. So over the next torturing 40 days of no soda, expect a lot of blogs from me. I just hope the crack I got over weekend will offset the horrible headache I'm about to start suffering through!

How Effed up are you scale

Like most things in life, my friends and I come up with a scale for anything and everything. Some of our most famous scales are 'The ass tapable scale' and 'the motorboat scale'. Those are just to name a few.

Well I have come up with the brand new way to tell just how effed up you are. Now this covers both drugs and alcohol. I'm changing the words to this a little because I don't like to use the n word. There are four levels on this scale.

I'm fucked up like a poor boy's...
Big wheel = you feel something, but you’re not sure. No will noticed anything, not even your closest friends
Tricycle = you feel it and it feels goooood. You’re closest friends will know what’s going on but the general public won’t
Unicycle = it’s past the point of good, it’s euphoric. You’re closest friends are for sure they know what you're up to and some of the general public will. Best not be in public.
Unicycle without the wheel = you’re gone, it doesn’t even feel good anymore. Everyone knows, there is no point in trying to hide. It’s your choice to leave the house cuz it don’t matter, you're not going to be able to fool anyone. You might want to wipe the drool off your face.

So the next you decide to snort that 8 ball, smoke those 5 bowls of the green leafy goodness, or drink that case of beer by yourself, stop, and think about what lever of effed up you want to be for the night.

Messy people...damn (Ghetto Gurl side episode)

Messy people get on my damn nerves. Bgg (name from previous post) is so damn stupid. She makes a rock look smart. The manager of our team called a meeting with certain people on this team. First off, there are two teams over here. The global team and the horizontal team. Bgg is on the horizontal team. Everyone that is in the meeting is on the global team. Why in the hell would you start running your damn mouth about not being invited into a meet. Bitch if he wanted you in that meeting he would have told you to come here. STFU! Telling everyone that if he ask you to come over there you're going to tell him something. Your fat ass better be glad you have a job, if I was your manager I would have fired your sorry ass a long time ago. UGGGHHHH I just want to throw something at her. Stay out of every one's business bitch. You are in the need to know group. When you need to know something, someone will tell you. Then after all that running of the mouth she gets up and goes in to the break room and slams the damn door. Fat ass grow up! ok I have vented.

Cow bowl 2010

The teams had be picked. Hotshot the longhorn was picked to win the showdown. Matt the human was the true underdog. No seriously I was. The tension had been building up ever since the teams were picked. The final showdown was bound to be an explosive one. The battleground had been pick. It was a muddy loading pen and a ditch full of water. I would soon become familiar with them. Then it happened. The showdown begun. Hotshot's eyes were full of bat shit craziness. her seeing the only way out from becoming hamburger meat was through me. I figured my build and height would intimidate her a little. She lowered her head ready for the charge, I stupidly grabbed her damn horns and the dance began. She charged with the force of one 2000 pound cow. I braced for impact, my one good leg hunkered down in the mud and wet ground. My bad leg just really didn't help me much at all. The cows head hit my chest, I stupidly hung on to damn horns. (see in my head I'm either about to pull a john wayne and end up on the cows back, or I'm going to bring this bitch to the ground) --(Neither happened) the beautiful dance was in full motion, until I realized I was now down on the ground, in the mud and water, still stupidly holding this effin horns! Then the realization of why I should have let go of the horns a LONG TIME AGO happened. The cow had managed to spin me around in the ditch and was now attempting to trample me. In the final push for more points with the judges, Hotshot did this move where she brought her legs and full body over mine. I"m not sure how impressive or graceful it looked to the outside world, but to me it was a priceless and beautiful tango of two hearts beating feverishly to survive. Me, because a fat ass cow was trying to dance on my body. Hotshot, because she knew if she was put in the trailer with her other three friends, she was going to be steak at the end of the day. When the dance was over and we had gotten her back into the pasture, Brian asked me if I was ok. I only asked if I almost had her down. Brian looked at me like I was an effed up in head and said No not even close. You were the only one down and then he walked away.

Now for the day after report. I'm sore as hell, have a nice knot on my elbow from either Hotshot's foot or her horn. One of her front legs managed to either graze my left knee...you know the good knee. There is some marks of violence there and it's swollen and hurts. My bad knee hurts, but I think that is because it's jealous. It's usually the only thing that hurts but now that other parts of the body hurt to, it's gotta hurt. We all know people like that. Both my hands hurt, not sure how that happened. Surprisingly my chest doesn't really hurt from the cow head butt I was the receiving end of, but my shoulders and upper back area are sore. WHY did I come to work?

The world is ending

Two nights now I have had some jacked up the world is ending dreams. I have also managed to rack up quiet the family body count. I have killed of my Aunt Mandi, Brian, Belinda, maybe Emily Joe, but I can't remember if she was there last night or not.

Dream 1
Me, Brian, and Belinda all live in a three bedroom house in Kansas, on a corn farm. First off, have you seen children of the corn and Jeepers Creepers? There is no way in HELL would I live on or near a corn farm. That's how people die! Anyways, scientist on tv were talking about how the world was about to emplode on itself...hey if I'm going to kill the world off, it's going to be cool. So I tell B&B we need to go. There was part of the world that wasn't going to emplode. The ground was stable enough and that's where everyone had to get to. So me and Brian jump on snowmobiles and belinda jumps on a 1980's blue 10 speed. What was once green and colorful outside was now covered in snow. So we start booking it down the road, through the forest, and then out into an open place. There was a huge Earth wall that looked like a wave coming at us. Belinda is actually keeping up with us in the 10 speed. However, fishers start to open up and are swallowing all the people run to this stable area. In one of the fishers that had opened up there was a box of shinny Christmas ornaments that brian and belinda HAD to stop at. After begging them to come on we're about to die, they loaded up on Christmas balls and off we go. I start to look around and see all the people dying, that I noticed the fisher right behind Belinda about to swallow her up...and then I wake up.

Dream 2
Me and Aunt Mandi are in this high raise really night apartment. On the news it talks about the worst hurricane EVER to be seen. Anything in its path will die. Well I be damned if we aren't in its path. So we go down to the ground lvl thinking we're going to be safe. The Obamas are there, and Michael is severing Mcdonalds french fries. Aunt Mandi is standing next to the opening to the garage parking lot. I wanted to go to my truck and get a CD, but Aunt Mandi wouldn't let me because it was on the 54th floor and the hurricane was starting to hit. She said I wouldn't make it. Right as the hurricane hit I was trying to make my way to Aunt Mandi because I didn't want to die alone or with the Obamas, but I never made it...I woke up just as it hit.

I'm not sure what any of these means, hopefully it doesn't mean death. Just as long as my Aunt Mandi makes it I'm ok...the other two...eh. NO I'M SO KIDDING. Either way, after these dreams I'm left with a weird feeling that something bad is coming...

Folgers in my cup

Morning coffee, check. Drinking some one's brew, check. This morning I'm in the break room washing my cup of coffee, my usual morning routine. Usually I don't really worry about which pot it's coming out of. Some people will only drink out of a freshly brewed pot of coffee, others will just grab a pot no matter how long it has been sitting on the warmer. Well this morning I wanted the fresh brew coffee. Now my coffee cup is about 16oz of pure creamer and sweetener, with a touch of coffee in it. Some call it coffee milk, some call it mud...whatever, that's how my Papaw made it and that's how I like...

So this morning I go and feel up my cup and I have my fixin's in it. Well two people walk in and were like "Matt did you get our Folgers...yep, well I hope you like it, you got enough" My cup was full. So I apologized but then I got to thinking...why did you walk off while you were brewing your own coffee...dumb ass! So that's kind of what you get for being a dumb ass...hope you enjoy brewing some more. So don't get mad at me because you're a dumb ass. To be honest with you, I really taste a difference between you're coffee and the coffee that the office provides you. So you're just wasting your time and because you're an idiot, and I took your coffee! Yes I did get enough and waking up is easy to do with Folgers in your cup. Granted I have been awake since five this morning!

Dear lady at the gym

I have seen this mysterious lady several times at the gym...actually I see her everyday, but to make the story this is how it goes. Here in our office building we have a full gym with showers and all, so at lunch I like to go work out. Ok back to the story, so there is this mysterious lady that few have ever seen. she comes in and turns the AC down really low while she works out. It completely screws with everyone else that is in the gym. If you're going to work out without the sweat, what's the point! I know she has got to get on the scale and wonder what the hell is wrong...I'm not losing any weight. Well d'uh you have to sweat. Not only are you NOT losing the weight but you're now jacking with every one else in there. I go to sweat, sometimes detox from a heavy weekend of drinking, but I need to sweat. So today she comes in and I have wanted to do this for a long time but was to scared...but then I got smart, get someone else to do it. I suggested to someone closer to the thermestat to turn it back up. haha and she did. So this is going to start happening every time the mysterious AC lady from the tax department, who's name I know...ok well if I know what department she is in and her name I guess she isn't that mysterious. Oh well, we will call her AC girl. Here is what happens in my head...now mind you, I was thinking about all this while still on the treadmill running.

So after a few weeks AC girl gets on the scales..."OMG honey I have lost 5 pounds." Then she realizes that she has been working out for 2 years and this the first 5 pounds she has lost...Then I start laughing and almost fall off cause I started having this conversation in my head..."well no shit you lost weight dumb ass...you finally started to sweat." hahaha idiot!

Ghetto Gurls update

I think I'm going to make this a regular post...

Ghetto Gurls episode 3:

2 actors lgg (little ghetto gurl) and bgg (big ghetto gurl)

It's a cold rainy day outside. Stupidity is running high between the two of them. A new fax/printer/copier has been placed at the front of our row. Everyone has been using it everyday. Lgg approaches the fax machine with worry in her eyes. She stunk the place up with the smell of fear of new technology and collard greens. Her hand shaking as she touched the new machine...then the stupidity flew out of her mouth. First it was what side of the paper should be face up...even though it tells you on the tray. I guess bgg needed to get involved because as soon as the words came out of lgg, all I heard were thighs scraping together as bgg runs up to her side. Then the real stupidity started to flow. It was like their two stupid brains united to create one big ol' dump ass. So bgg was all like "gurl, I crud not fugger this machine out. I don't knows why theys even put it up hurr. Theys needs to us a crash curse on this machine." I'm sitting here trying to not laugh because I don't know why you need a crash course on this machine when the buttons on the screen tell you what to do. if you want to fax you push the fax button. If you want to copy press the copy button. It's super hard! So after I walk lgg through the process of faxing, she said thank you cause she would have never figured it out...and they both walked back to their desk to talk about their love life.

Now I can't hear what they were saying, but I'm pretty sure I would have thrown up. bgg is just that big. Have you ever watched discovery channel during whale week? Well I picture bgg having sex like two whales...NO WANTS TO EVER THINK ABOUT THAT...

Please stay tuned for more episodes of Ghetto Gurls!

dear gym rat wannabes

Dear Gym Rat Wannabes,

I think it's great that your New Year goals are to tone up and lose weight, and I think that's great. I think it's awesome that you care enough to put your self in some torn up clothes, put a head band around your big ol forehead and get on that treadmill. To see sweat not dripping down your face encourages me to work harder. If you can set that treadmill speed at 2.5 and get your mall walking on...I say...GET THE HELL OFF THE ONLY TREADMILL I EVER USE!

Look wannabes, I'm going to need you to take your fat ass and go to another gym or just stop eating altogether. For the rest of us that work out year round...you hear that WB, the gym is open year around...girl (that's for brian). The gym doesn't close after Jan 15 each year and then re-opens Jan 1 of the following year. Oh no, there are some of use that actually worry about our weight and/or want to get tone all year round. If you're to scared to get sweaty, or go faster than 2.5 on the treadmill, then you're wasting my time and water. How are you wasting water...well fat ass, your half hearted attempt to lose the weight only adds more clothing to your laundry. More laundry you're washing means more water...so do me and mother earth a favor and STOP PRETENDING...that love handle you're trying to hide...you know the one that is sticking out of your "think this is appropriate workout gear" isn't going anywhere...embrace it...just get the hell off the machines I use!

Pissed part 3

So today is no better than yesterday, actually it's gotten just a little bit worse. I still have yet to find out what the reasoning is other than I'm to laid back, then I find out again, i'm to social. Today I found out that the new team they're adding to our group is going to have a team lead as well, but that position has been filled by one of the people that's coming over. I can't even get considered for a TL position on my OWN team. How messed up is that? Seriously, I have been on this project for a year now, and there is someone more qualified to be a new team lead over here. Just because he is coming from his other department as a team lead. Big deal, we have to girls on this team now that were team leads when they came over...they're not leads over here.

What really gets me about this is the fact that I split my team between the two teams here now. I have trained several people on this both teams on how do to stuff. I think I have gone above and beyond over there. God I even sound like a cry baby to myself, but guess what it's my blog and I will cry if I want to.

I think it's time to do some career searching. Something new, something different. Something a lot better than this. Should I look at going back to school? Should I look starting a business? I guess I could follow in the sperm donor's line of work and become a drug dealer...I here there is ALOT of money in that field. I couldn't be a porn start, and I'm not mean enough to be a pimp. Cause the first time you didn't pay me, that would be a bullet in your right leg. Then that would effect the money more because I could only charge half on a gimp!

Pissed part 2

Ok so I have had time to think, to actually go run and get some of that anger out but it didn't really help. The more I think about it and the bull shit excuse, the more mad I get. I hope there is a better reason for not getting the position other than "to laid back". I hope there is something that I lack or I'm weak in an area that I can improve on. That way I could be like "oh ok" and move on. That's something I can change, if it's an area where I'm weak or unskilled, I can do something about that. But it's just because I'm to fucking laid back...I'm going to go ape shit on these people. I'm sorry if I don't want to fun around here with a stick up my ass. calm down matt Surely there is another reason...cause the laid back is a trait that I enjoy having. Sorry I don't get that stressed out over things, doesn't mean that because I don't, I don't get the job done. Sorry if I stay calm or laugh a lot or crack jokes, doesn't mean that I goof off. I'm just trying to make everyone have some kind of fun in this stupid ass job that sucks, that doesn't know what CUSTOMER SERVICE IS...even thought that's what we're supposed to be doing. This company sucks, but I try and laugh and make others laugh so it's not such a chore to come into this rats nest of an office...doesn't mean that I goof off. I wonder if there are any competitors here in houston that is hiring. What a big F U to Ikon if I did jump ship...after they trained me for five years. The knowledge about how they treat customer would probably benefit someone else. Why isn't this rant and raving making me feel better? What's sad is the feed back is coming from people that I thought were friends. Not like BFFs or anything like that, but just friends and that's what really hurts! 4 o'clock isn't going to get here fast enough!