The pain...OMG the pain

I have been sore from working out before, but this is out of control. I can't even get bend my arm enough to pick my nose. My arms hurt so bad that it makes my hands hurt. That's just my arms. My ass hurts so bad that it hurts to sit, my legs hurt so bad that it hurts to stand. I woddle around like I'm the size of a whale. My abs hurt so bad I don't want to move Last night we weren't able to really do the workout because we didn't have the equipment, so we did cardio and then the ab ripper X. I hate the ab ripper x. I hate the P90X. I need a full body rub down. I need to stop doing P90X and just love my fat ass. I would write more but all the typing is hurting my arms.

Dear God

Dear God, we need to chat. I have started this workout routine, yeah you know the one...yep the one that makes me say more cuss words in an hour than I do all day. I just have one question for you. WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU CREATE THE GUY THAT CREATED THIS WORKOUT!!! Epic Fail on your part dude...EPIC!

Today is bitter sweet, I have better movement in my left arm. That makes me happy since I'm left handed. It won't hurt to write and do my work. However, my right are now is unusable. That 45 degree angel bend I had working yesterday...ha, I can barely get to about a 35 degree bend today. Now you're probably wondering, what's the big deal. You're left handed, why do you need your right arm/hand...God thought he would be funny and make me one of those people that use both arms/hands to make it through the day. I actually do very little with my left hand, I do 90% of everything else on the right side. So now I'm SCREW ALL DAY.

Now the bitter side of the story. Tonight's workout is arms and chest...the same workout that has left me in my crippled state. I'm really scared about the pain tonight, but I'm determined to work through this. Ask me again tomorrow what I think. I have a feeling that it's not going to be pretty.

Last night was mostly legs and lower body. I did what I could and tried to hang in there but there were just some stuff that I couldn't do because of my knee. I don't care enough about getting trim to blow my knee out again! So I did what I could, and yet again I still hurt. Oh well this will pay off!

Fokes, that's it for our show day. See ya tomorrow. (ha I feel like Jerry Springer or Oprah)

PX90 SUCK IT!!!!

We have all seen the commercials, 90 days and you will look like this...blah blah blah. Brian and I started talking that we really need to do something to get our beach bodies before we hit the sandy beaches of Hawaii. So that fool orders the PX90. I start getting excited, cuz maybe my dream of being a male strip dancer, or be a part of 'Thunder from down under' will actually come true. I'm sitting here thinking, this can't be that bad. Yes, it's going to hurt and I'm going to have to push myself, but I'm used to the gym. I'm used to lifting weights and being active...kinda. WELL.... I was so wrong it wasn't even funny. First problem of the evening were our girl scoot cookies came in the same day as PX90. So while I'm reading what I'm about to put my body through, I decide I need to eat a whole tray of cookies. Way to start it off Matt! Just as sound nom nom nom fills the living room, I read, 'GET RID OF THE JUNK' For a minute I thought the book had been watching what I was going and waited for just the right time to spring that on me. Brian gets home and we put in disc 1. I about fell the hell out. Push ups and pull ups! WTF...that's what you're going to start us off at. I'm screwed. I have never had that much upper body strength. Push ups are always been my arch nemesis. Well dammit, I'm doing it tonight or so I thought.

Now for a second, lets compare brian and I. I have some big ass arms, I'm a big guy. Brian...well...yeah...so I start thinking that he is going to struggle with this. I don't think I have EVER been more wrong in my life. That boy is doing push ups like it's a normal thing, while I'm struggling doing girl push ups! Then I guess to make me feel less of a man, he starts doing girl push ups as well, just to give himself a break! I was very impressed with him, until he said "see told you I was crappy."

So first night was an hour of push ups, all different ways. mine all girl push ups...don't laugh, it's still hard to do. We did about 100 push ups, didn't do the pull ups because we don't have the equipment for that. Then to top it off, there is a 16 minute 'Ab Ripper X' REALLY...DO YOU SEE HOW FAT I AM!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn't able to really do many of the ripper stuff because of my muffin top kept getting in they. Last night I got about 4 hours of sleep because my arms hurt so bad. Today when I had to take my blood pressure meds, I just laid them on the counter and face planted on to the counter to take them. There's no using my arms today.

Tonight is an hour long lower body work out...not sure how many of them I will be able to do because of the knee. And yes if you have bad knees, PX90 is not for you. It clearly states that in the beginning. Pray for me please!!

A street car name Ghetto

I had to blog about this...it was the most awesome, creepy, WTF is that boy on moment. So I'm leaving subway headed back to work. I had planned on walking but it was to damn cold. So I'm pulling out into the main lane of the parking lot. You know the lane that runs between the shops and the parking lot..yeah that one. I have to come to a complete stop while this ghetto ass black boy, pants on the ground, NO EAR PHONES IN (that is key to this story), trying to bust a move in the middle of the damn road. I thought of honking, but that was soon followed up with the thought 'we don't want to honk because the kid might have just traded his Ipod in for a gun and will probably shoot us, while trying to finish his routine' Then I wondered why my thoughts were all in the plural tense, but that is for another blog. Then I got to watching the kids feet and he couldn't even bust a move right. I would have thought being that ghetto, you would be able to dance...yes I know that's stereotyping but c'mon on. If you're going to hold up traffic, don't dance like a seizing barney on crack you dip shit. Then the fool looks at me, smiles like I give a shit about his seizering ass dance steps, take one more step and I guess finishes he routine. He continues to bust a damn move. we wondered (again that voice should have been I) if that was part of his routine. dance 2,3,4, now take a step, and stop...ok doing it again and dance,2,3,4. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE ROAD! I know I will see the boy on so you think you can dance! I just hope he gets is Ipod back, after he robbed the general dollar store and works on those dance steps. A seizering barney on crack dance routine is not good enough to make it on that show. Those people have professional training. Just because you had some country bubba in a big ol truck watching does not count as training.

Ghetto gurl episode 4

I'm not sure what got her going this morning but Bgg has not shut the hell up. Her voice sounds like a retard whale trying to talk. I guess if you have a ball gag in your mouth most of the weekend you're going to be talking a lot when you get to work. However it's been an hour long retarded whale talk about what she learned in class. I think they thought her fat ass to jump through the flaming hoop of death! That or you whip front to back, not back to front. Simple task are always hardest for retard whales. Then you throw in lgg, and gurl I hears datr...I can't finish this story, have been distracted.

My Team lead just came over to talk to me about things and then right as he was handing me some work to do, he blew it out of his ass. It stunk so damn bad that I had to open a candle and turn my fan on. How are you going to come defile my working area with that smell and then hand me more work to do...FML!!!!

I just warned him that paybacks are hell...and trust me I have plenty of ammo in my ammo locker!!!!

Day...I don't even care anymore

I think Ash Wednesday was a week ago or something, it feels like it was like two Tuesdays ago. The soda thing was hard over the weekend. My vision started to blur, but I think that was just an old wise tail trying to come true. Ah I'm proof that you don't go blind...way off subject there. I fought back the primal urge to drink the sweet nectar of Dr. Pepper bottling company. Damn you Dr. Pepper, damn you. I got a monster yesterday to have with breakfast and I think it about caused me to have a heartache. I don't advise drinking those when you have given up on sodas.

Now I have a work complaint (surprised, I know). I have been working with this lady, who I will refer to as stupid bitch, for 2 months on an issue. I THOUGHT I had everything I needed, we all were understanding where the other one was coming from, until I get the fucking email...(sorry for dropping the f-bomb, it was needed). After 2 damn months of working on this, she emails me Friday after I leave to tell me she need more information...mind you, I have sent all the information I have, you have reviewed over the issue so many times, and now you're telling me you need more information. I have an idea, how about you shove all the info that I have sent you, up your ass and sit on it for a few days. Then when it's time to shit it out, see if something new comes out. SB...grrrrrrrr See you needed to tell me you needed more information about 2 damn months ago. However, when we're talking about getting approvals, which are the last fucking (again sorry for the f-bomb) step of the process, YOU DON'T NEED MORE INFORMATION!!!!!! I wish AT&T was still around, I would reach out and touch a bitch...grrrrrrrr

***disclaimer*** I would not actually reach out and touch stupid bitch. I'm sure in person she is a lovely human being. She probably contributes a lot to her family and community...nah I'm kidding, she's still a stupid bitch. Yes I cuss like a sailor but try to leave it out of my classy blogs, except where I feel that it's necessary to drop the big cuss words, as you have seen in this blog. If it offends you, get over it or I will blog about your ass!

Day 3

oh happy day to me. I was informed that monsters weren't soda...So I'm able to drink one a week...So my day is about to get very energized...that is all.

Day 2 of no soda

I'm feeling fine. The effects of my poor choices haven't kicked in. So far I have managed to escape the headaches and lack of energy. I fear that life is about to get rough once my body realizes that it's not getting caffeine...well it's not getting a lot of caffeine. It's de-cafe tea, water, or milk. I learned yesterday that Lent kind of screws with you. It's really 46 days, instead of 40. I wouldn't have signed on to do this if I had known that it was going to be an extra 6 days. Crazy ass Catholics! I have read/heard stories of people getting the shakes, sweating like crazy, and their head exploding. Please pray for me, for I have taken a dangerous challenge that I might not make it back from.


On a lighter note, I'M GOING TO HAWAII!!! I'm getting more excited about it. At first I wasn't excited at all. I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but it's just not that high on my list of places to go. So me, Brian, and a friend of ours, Amanda are going. Amanda is BBrian's bff. I just want to go see a volcano. That way I can mark that off my 'Natural disasters I have seen' list. I have tornado and hurricane. But a volcano...sweet. Next I need to live through an earth quake and a blizzard. I wonder if those two things will ever happen in Texas. No Dallas people, I'm not talking about a Texas Blizzard, I'm talking about a true blue blizzard. Where the snow drifts cover your door blizzard!

Peace out to my growing followers. Once I get 50 followers, I'm going to start collecting money from everyone to purchase a compound out in the country. More details to follow...

Ash Wednesday

For lent, even though I'm not Catholic, I have decided to give up Sodas. Not Caffeine, just soda. It doesn't help that I always drink a dr. pepper or monster when I get breakfast tacos, and that's what I got for breakfast today. So for the next 40 days I'm going to give up sodas. I would have gone for no watching porn or other naughty things, but lets face it I'm a guy and enjoy that way to much. Damn it, I forgot my mom and aunt read this...oh well to far into this blog to start hitting the delete key. I would like to say that I'm going to be able to blog about this amazing journey that I'm embarking on. It's really not that amazing, really there probably isn't going to be much to blog about but I will make something up. So over the next torturing 40 days of no soda, expect a lot of blogs from me. I just hope the crack I got over weekend will offset the horrible headache I'm about to start suffering through!

How Effed up are you scale

Like most things in life, my friends and I come up with a scale for anything and everything. Some of our most famous scales are 'The ass tapable scale' and 'the motorboat scale'. Those are just to name a few.

Well I have come up with the brand new way to tell just how effed up you are. Now this covers both drugs and alcohol. I'm changing the words to this a little because I don't like to use the n word. There are four levels on this scale.

I'm fucked up like a poor boy's...
Big wheel = you feel something, but you’re not sure. No will noticed anything, not even your closest friends
Tricycle = you feel it and it feels goooood. You’re closest friends will know what’s going on but the general public won’t
Unicycle = it’s past the point of good, it’s euphoric. You’re closest friends are for sure they know what you're up to and some of the general public will. Best not be in public.
Unicycle without the wheel = you’re gone, it doesn’t even feel good anymore. Everyone knows, there is no point in trying to hide. It’s your choice to leave the house cuz it don’t matter, you're not going to be able to fool anyone. You might want to wipe the drool off your face.

So the next you decide to snort that 8 ball, smoke those 5 bowls of the green leafy goodness, or drink that case of beer by yourself, stop, and think about what lever of effed up you want to be for the night.

Messy people...damn (Ghetto Gurl side episode)

Messy people get on my damn nerves. Bgg (name from previous post) is so damn stupid. She makes a rock look smart. The manager of our team called a meeting with certain people on this team. First off, there are two teams over here. The global team and the horizontal team. Bgg is on the horizontal team. Everyone that is in the meeting is on the global team. Why in the hell would you start running your damn mouth about not being invited into a meet. Bitch if he wanted you in that meeting he would have told you to come here. STFU! Telling everyone that if he ask you to come over there you're going to tell him something. Your fat ass better be glad you have a job, if I was your manager I would have fired your sorry ass a long time ago. UGGGHHHH I just want to throw something at her. Stay out of every one's business bitch. You are in the need to know group. When you need to know something, someone will tell you. Then after all that running of the mouth she gets up and goes in to the break room and slams the damn door. Fat ass grow up! ok I have vented.

Cow bowl 2010

The teams had be picked. Hotshot the longhorn was picked to win the showdown. Matt the human was the true underdog. No seriously I was. The tension had been building up ever since the teams were picked. The final showdown was bound to be an explosive one. The battleground had been pick. It was a muddy loading pen and a ditch full of water. I would soon become familiar with them. Then it happened. The showdown begun. Hotshot's eyes were full of bat shit craziness. her seeing the only way out from becoming hamburger meat was through me. I figured my build and height would intimidate her a little. She lowered her head ready for the charge, I stupidly grabbed her damn horns and the dance began. She charged with the force of one 2000 pound cow. I braced for impact, my one good leg hunkered down in the mud and wet ground. My bad leg just really didn't help me much at all. The cows head hit my chest, I stupidly hung on to damn horns. (see in my head I'm either about to pull a john wayne and end up on the cows back, or I'm going to bring this bitch to the ground) --(Neither happened) the beautiful dance was in full motion, until I realized I was now down on the ground, in the mud and water, still stupidly holding this effin horns! Then the realization of why I should have let go of the horns a LONG TIME AGO happened. The cow had managed to spin me around in the ditch and was now attempting to trample me. In the final push for more points with the judges, Hotshot did this move where she brought her legs and full body over mine. I"m not sure how impressive or graceful it looked to the outside world, but to me it was a priceless and beautiful tango of two hearts beating feverishly to survive. Me, because a fat ass cow was trying to dance on my body. Hotshot, because she knew if she was put in the trailer with her other three friends, she was going to be steak at the end of the day. When the dance was over and we had gotten her back into the pasture, Brian asked me if I was ok. I only asked if I almost had her down. Brian looked at me like I was an effed up in head and said No not even close. You were the only one down and then he walked away.

Now for the day after report. I'm sore as hell, have a nice knot on my elbow from either Hotshot's foot or her horn. One of her front legs managed to either graze my left knee...you know the good knee. There is some marks of violence there and it's swollen and hurts. My bad knee hurts, but I think that is because it's jealous. It's usually the only thing that hurts but now that other parts of the body hurt to, it's gotta hurt. We all know people like that. Both my hands hurt, not sure how that happened. Surprisingly my chest doesn't really hurt from the cow head butt I was the receiving end of, but my shoulders and upper back area are sore. WHY did I come to work?

The world is ending

Two nights now I have had some jacked up the world is ending dreams. I have also managed to rack up quiet the family body count. I have killed of my Aunt Mandi, Brian, Belinda, maybe Emily Joe, but I can't remember if she was there last night or not.

Dream 1
Me, Brian, and Belinda all live in a three bedroom house in Kansas, on a corn farm. First off, have you seen children of the corn and Jeepers Creepers? There is no way in HELL would I live on or near a corn farm. That's how people die! Anyways, scientist on tv were talking about how the world was about to emplode on itself...hey if I'm going to kill the world off, it's going to be cool. So I tell B&B we need to go. There was part of the world that wasn't going to emplode. The ground was stable enough and that's where everyone had to get to. So me and Brian jump on snowmobiles and belinda jumps on a 1980's blue 10 speed. What was once green and colorful outside was now covered in snow. So we start booking it down the road, through the forest, and then out into an open place. There was a huge Earth wall that looked like a wave coming at us. Belinda is actually keeping up with us in the 10 speed. However, fishers start to open up and are swallowing all the people run to this stable area. In one of the fishers that had opened up there was a box of shinny Christmas ornaments that brian and belinda HAD to stop at. After begging them to come on we're about to die, they loaded up on Christmas balls and off we go. I start to look around and see all the people dying, that I noticed the fisher right behind Belinda about to swallow her up...and then I wake up.

Dream 2
Me and Aunt Mandi are in this high raise really night apartment. On the news it talks about the worst hurricane EVER to be seen. Anything in its path will die. Well I be damned if we aren't in its path. So we go down to the ground lvl thinking we're going to be safe. The Obamas are there, and Michael is severing Mcdonalds french fries. Aunt Mandi is standing next to the opening to the garage parking lot. I wanted to go to my truck and get a CD, but Aunt Mandi wouldn't let me because it was on the 54th floor and the hurricane was starting to hit. She said I wouldn't make it. Right as the hurricane hit I was trying to make my way to Aunt Mandi because I didn't want to die alone or with the Obamas, but I never made it...I woke up just as it hit.

I'm not sure what any of these means, hopefully it doesn't mean death. Just as long as my Aunt Mandi makes it I'm ok...the other two...eh. NO I'M SO KIDDING. Either way, after these dreams I'm left with a weird feeling that something bad is coming...

Folgers in my cup

Morning coffee, check. Drinking some one's brew, check. This morning I'm in the break room washing my cup of coffee, my usual morning routine. Usually I don't really worry about which pot it's coming out of. Some people will only drink out of a freshly brewed pot of coffee, others will just grab a pot no matter how long it has been sitting on the warmer. Well this morning I wanted the fresh brew coffee. Now my coffee cup is about 16oz of pure creamer and sweetener, with a touch of coffee in it. Some call it coffee milk, some call it mud...whatever, that's how my Papaw made it and that's how I like...

So this morning I go and feel up my cup and I have my fixin's in it. Well two people walk in and were like "Matt did you get our Folgers...yep, well I hope you like it, you got enough" My cup was full. So I apologized but then I got to thinking...why did you walk off while you were brewing your own coffee...dumb ass! So that's kind of what you get for being a dumb ass...hope you enjoy brewing some more. So don't get mad at me because you're a dumb ass. To be honest with you, I really taste a difference between you're coffee and the coffee that the office provides you. So you're just wasting your time and because you're an idiot, and I took your coffee! Yes I did get enough and waking up is easy to do with Folgers in your cup. Granted I have been awake since five this morning!

Dear lady at the gym

I have seen this mysterious lady several times at the gym...actually I see her everyday, but to make the story this is how it goes. Here in our office building we have a full gym with showers and all, so at lunch I like to go work out. Ok back to the story, so there is this mysterious lady that few have ever seen. she comes in and turns the AC down really low while she works out. It completely screws with everyone else that is in the gym. If you're going to work out without the sweat, what's the point! I know she has got to get on the scale and wonder what the hell is wrong...I'm not losing any weight. Well d'uh you have to sweat. Not only are you NOT losing the weight but you're now jacking with every one else in there. I go to sweat, sometimes detox from a heavy weekend of drinking, but I need to sweat. So today she comes in and I have wanted to do this for a long time but was to scared...but then I got smart, get someone else to do it. I suggested to someone closer to the thermestat to turn it back up. haha and she did. So this is going to start happening every time the mysterious AC lady from the tax department, who's name I know...ok well if I know what department she is in and her name I guess she isn't that mysterious. Oh well, we will call her AC girl. Here is what happens in my head...now mind you, I was thinking about all this while still on the treadmill running.

So after a few weeks AC girl gets on the scales..."OMG honey I have lost 5 pounds." Then she realizes that she has been working out for 2 years and this the first 5 pounds she has lost...Then I start laughing and almost fall off cause I started having this conversation in my head..."well no shit you lost weight dumb ass...you finally started to sweat." hahaha idiot!