Sadness

Sadness is something we as human experience all through out our lives. When we loose a loved one, or a pet, or God forbid we experience the lose of our children before it's their time. It's strange how even when we're on top of the world sadness can find us. Sadness is such a strong emotion, and something that is hard to processes. It only takes a thought for the plague of sadness to wash over you, it only takes a second when you're gaurd is down to be complete ambushed by this emotion. Ying and Yang is the give in take of the universe, just like happiness and sadness are the give and take of our hearts. If you're lucky you don't get to experience sadness much. People you love aren't taken from you before your ready for them to leave. You're heart isn't broken by the absence of the love you once had for someone. God this is what PMS feels like.

I don't like talking much about it because it hurts me more than I can handle. I always try and change the subject long before the tears fall. My grandmother isn't doing so great. The tumor/cancer she has had is slowly taking my grondmother away from me and my family. I thought I was ok but I cry a lot about when no one is around, the shower is a GREAT place. If you ever get caught crying in the shower blame it on the water running down your face. I have been very lucky to have had 31 years with someone great. It's hard for me to process the pain and sadness that comes with knowing that she isn't going to be here much longer. Just knowing that my Granny isn't going to tell me she loves me and that she is proud of me hurts so bad. It's not fair, I'm pissed off that she has to go out like this.

My grandmother has always been the strongest person I know. She built this amazing family that is close and loving and strong. The family gets together on weekends because we actually want to see each other. I can't go long without talking to either of my aunts, or drinking with my uncles. I surely can't go long without talking to my mom. But Granny is different, granny was the one that made things better. If you were sick, she knows how to fix you or at least what toy to get you so that you feel better. Granny knows just how to make my granny grilled cheeses. Granny knows how to wrap her arms around me, tell me she loves me and make the world a little better for just that moment in time. I'm not saying that my aunt Trudy or aunt Mandi, or even my mom can't do that, but granny does it better.

Growing up Granny used to scratch my back until I would fall a sleep. Granny let me sleep with her until I was like 25 and wasn't scared of the dark anymore. She still snores and farts like a mule at night and I don't want to sleep with her anymore, but I know if I had a bad dream she would let me crawl in there next her and make it better. I know at some point in time we have to say good bye or until I see you in heaven but that doesn't really give me a lot of comfort. It just reminds me that I have a long time to live without you. Yeah I could look at all the years we had and smile because I got though years, but I'm selfish, I want more of those year. I want more years of Granny cooking something special for me because I'm the first one of the kids at the table on saturday morning. I want more years of Granny telling me that she got me a gallon of milk for the weekend and then kissing my forehead. I'm not ready to say good bye or see you in heaven. I'm not ready for the end.

Sadness sucks and I'm not good at dealing with it.